Here is my story. I really need share all this that is going on in my life with someone and I have noone to talk to about it. I'm glad I found this site.


My mm is someone I know from the gym I go to. We started working out together and I developed a crush on him. I DID NOT know he was married - he never mentioned having a family and he does not wear a ring. I'm sort of shy and not forward at all so I didn't just tell him that I liked him. I tried flirting with him and that got me no where and after about 3 months I was completely in love with him.

We worked out together all the time, he texted, im'ed, and emailed me constantly all day. We had lots of deep and meaningful conversations...he became my best friend. I was really flustrated because he wanted to be around me soo much but would never ask me out. I tried little round about ways of asking him if he had someone but he just acted like he didn't catch on.

So after 3 months I finally came right out and asked him. He told me he was separated and had been for a year. He also told me that he has feelings for me too. He wanted to tell me about his situation but only after he had gotten me close enough to him that I would not walk away if I knew. He told me he was counting on me being too shy to come right out and ask him if he was married. I was angry that he used my shyness against me and was setting me up to be in this situation, but for some reason I couldn't stay mad at him. I loved him and knowing that he loved me too was hard to resist. I had completely fixated on him for so long I didn't have the ability to walk away. I have never dated much mostly because I am shy and I don't go out much. Finding him and spending time with him gave me something I was missing - love. I feel pathetic. I think I should have been mad and I should have fell out of love with him when I found out that he used me.

Well, at first I cut off all communication with him and then he wooed me back. I tried to leave him alone about 6 or 7 times over a 3 month period and each time I went back our relationship progressed some. After the first time we had our first kiss, next time we were making out, next time I was trying to just be friends with him and we were just hanging out at my house..so on and so forth until a full affair.

I've been involved with him for about 6 months now all together. He says that his wife cheated on him twice and they had been arguing a lot so they separated. She is living with another man. Honestly I don't trust him enough to completely believe his story on how the separation happened. I do know that they are separated because he practically lives with me. He sleeps at my place every night and has been doing so for about 2 or 3 months now.

He told me that he does not love her anymore. However, he does not know if he wants to get a divorce or stay with her for the kids sake. He says that they don't talk about it at all. He has 3 kids with his wife. They just speak to eachother about the kids and not their relationship. He told me that more and more I am becoming a part of his decision to leave her or not.

I told him in the begining that I didn't want to be a part of his decision. If he left her for me I could not look his kids in the face. I am torn inside. I want him but not like this. I don't see an outcome with me and him being together that I could be completely proud of. The closest thing is if she leaves him for another person then it wouldn't be him leaving her.

Whenever I think about leaving him I feel like my world will fall apart. I feel like I won't be able to function at work and that I'll end up telling someone because I can't get through it alone. If I tell someone I'll lose something in that person's eyes. I am a christian and most of my family and friends are too. I feel like I don't belong in church anymore but I keep going because I'm hoping I can find who I use to be again. I stopped taking communion. I stopped asking God to forgive me because I keep going back to the mm. I've always been an innocent angel in everyone's eyes and I hate that I am lying to them now. My mm filled a lonely void in my life that shouldn't have been there. I was so alone and lonely. I wish I had the sense to stop liking him after he didn't ask me out in a reasonable amount of time in the very begining. I fell for him without looking out for my heart first.

Inspite of all my regrets part of me is wanting him to choose me. I love him. I can tell by the way that he treats me that he loves me. He is always with me or emailing/texting me and I see something in his eyes. He is always at my place. We have lots of tender, sweet moments. They make me cry because I wonder if it is the last one. Any day he can tell me he is leaving. He said that if he does go back to her he will be grateful to have known true love with me and he will take that with him. That is one of the first things he told me in the begining. He said that he is willing to love me and hurt from the lost if it means he can have this time with me. I've said to him that studies show most married men don't leave so why put ourselves through the pain. He says that he doesnot know what will happen.

Thanks for reading this. I really needed to share. Please comment.